Notes of an Addict

I feel uncomfortable. Thoughts are racing again. Why. Why can’t I find my place, my space? A place where I can feel safe. What happened? Was it one event, or is this an on-going effect? I’m trying to make sense and my philosophy is growing thin. I feel abused.

I’m addicted to her. But I can’t let this take the better of me. I can’t let this affect her. I have to apply the technique. What is out of my control is no concern of mine. She could love you. Don’t spoil it with your obsessions. Give it time, work on it. Breathe.

You knew this would happen. You avoided all intimacy because you knew on some level, this would happen. You have to face the music. It’s just another challenge, another test. I wish I could say we've been through worse, the truth is, it’s only a different test. A test of love, compassion, understanding — communication.

Do not let your passions run their course. Channel and direct them. Inspect your thoughts, yourself, your soul. Apply the technique. It’s a new drug, you’ve never tried it before. Use your previous lessons; the key to recreational consumption? Moderation. Always.

Now the materials: Your tired, exhausted and fatigued. You’re deprived of sleep, you underwent physical exhaustion. She is merely a canvas for your projections because she’s the new thing, the new amazing thing in your life. It isn’t her that’s causing this, it’s the break in your routine. Learn to be comfortable with disruptions, unlock the difference and use it to your advantage.

Stop creating problems for yourself and worrying about what’s to come. Things and events have a strange propensity to resolve themselves, quite independent from your arrogant intervention. Stop looking for safe passages, the future must remain open. Your power is limited. Cowardice is intolerable. Learn to be content with whatever remains outside of control. With infinite degrees of freedom, you have no sway over the future, you cannot control all the variables. And that’s the beauty of it. Identify what’s important and disregard the rest.